Grace, believe me, I have thought of that. But I have refrained from doing so because of the kids wishes. But if the crazy nutbag files all these motions as she claims, I may be inclined to retaliate. But, I will not sink myself to her level. I will just let them go.
The kids cannot perceive any retaliation as an "attack on momma" - and she WILL try to spin it up that way, especially if it's a direct tit-for-tat. That's why forcing her back and forth for court dates is a winner - if you can do that, SHE started it! It can't be spun into a "personal attack".
Fighting for visitation isn't an attack on ma, either - that's trying to see the kids IN SPITE of Ma. The key there is to never allow THEM to feel like the rope in a tug-of-war. They have to know it's for THEM, not just another tactic against Ma.
Best way to do that, I think, is to have nothing to do with Ma at all. Don't initiate "dialog", don't take any bait she offers - and she will. Any dealings have to be strictly for your visitation of the kids. That kind of ignoring her has an added, hidden bonus - drives her nuts that you could just walk away from her so easily and get on with living. She's less than a bump in the road.
As they say, "living well is the best revenge".
One other thing - never, ever talk down about Ma where they can get hold of it, for two reasons: 1) That gives them (and it gets back to her) the impression that she had an effect, that you're not "past" her yet (as they say, BAD publicity is STILL publicity!), and 2) whatever the problems between the two of you, she IS their mom, a part of them, a part of their identity. Cutting her down is cutting THEM down, in some part of their minds.
Last Edit: Nov 24, 2014 23:05:59 GMT -6 by Deleted
I'm sorry to say Kdog, but they ARE your children, and if you are a good father then they need you. It's tiring, its hell, you will be raked over the coals 10 ways to Sunday, every fart will become a matter for the court to judge you on..
But they are your children. And if you are a good father, your children need you to fight for them... not let them just go.
I raised two children who had a very abusive father... I saw how desperately they would have loved a good father. My daughter died without talking to her father... she wished she had a real dad..
She had Ninurta in her last days to talk to, to be a family,(thank God for him) but... you know what I mean? I watched, I saw how much those kids could have used a dad in their life hon...
Fight.Our situation was so much different from yours... you fight. Your kids need you to.
Grace, believe me, I have thought of that. But I have refrained from doing so because of the kids wishes. But if the crazy nutbag files all these motions as she claims, I may be inclined to retaliate. But, I will not sink myself to her level. I will just let them go.
I wonder about your talk with the kids on that score . . .
Did the idea come up that you'd be better able to help them, protect them, provide assistance, see them etc. if they were nearby . . . particularly given that they might find such a living at a distance . . . uhhhh . . .
challenging . . . for one reason or another?
Why do they want you to comply with her demands and manipulations on moving distant?
I don't think the kids have the age or perspective to judge well on such issues.
However, now, he's said something . . . I think he needs to renegotiate it through with the kids why he wants to keep them near.
He might also point out that PEACE AT ANY PRICE IS NOT PEACE AND NOT WORTH THE PRICE--that sometimes, one has to take a stand--even when it's not convenient or comfortable. Otherwise, the craziness just gets worse.
APPEASEMENT DOESN'T WORK--NOT WITH CRAZY WOMEN/PEOPLE . . . NOT AT ALL, REALLY.
I'm sorry to say Kdog, but they ARE your children, and if you are a good father then they need you. It's tiring, its hell, you will be raked over the coals 10 ways to Sunday, every fart will become a matter for the court to judge you on..
But they are your children. And if you are a good father, your children need you to fight for them... not let them just go.
I raised two children who had a very abusive father... I saw how desperately they would have loved a good father. My daughter died without talking to her father... she wished she had a real dad..
She had Ninurta in her last days to talk to, to be a family,(thank God for him) but... you know what I mean? I watched, I saw how much those kids could have used a dad in their life hon...
Fight.Our situation was so much different from yours... you fight. Your kids need you to.
The children are being told bad things about their dad right now.. I know about women like this, they lie and all manner of bad things..
The kids want to know, does their dad love them? Or is he everything their mother is saying...
If he fights, he proves his love for them - TO them. They want to know... they want him to fight. If he doesn't fight, then he will prove their mother right.
This is their age, and their mentality right now... it is also why they are doing what they are doing. It's a test.
The children are being told bad things about their dad right now.. I know about women like this, they lie and all manner of bad things..
The kids want to know, does their dad love them? Or is he everything their mother is saying...
If he fights, he proves his love for them - TO them. They want to know... they want him to fight. If he doesn't fight, then he will prove their mother right.
This is their age, and their mentality right now... it is also why they are doing what they are doing. It's a test.
I think you're quite right . . . regardless of how conscious or unconscious on their parts.
Wrote my first two cards today. Very therapeutic . Making me think of all the things I have wanted to tell them but couldn't.
Thank you AiRen. :)
YOU ARE GREATLY WELCOME.
Am humbled and blessed that you have begun.
May you keep it up over the long haul. THAT'S what will make a WORLD of difference in their lives eventually.
Besides . . . I do think it is therapeutic for you--regardless of all else. At least YOU can look at what you've written and be UTTERLY EMPHATICALLY CONFIDENT of your caring for them regardless of all the lies from hell, from lawyers, from social workers . . . and from the wicked gritch of the ex.
You might keep 2-3 DUPLICATES in your shirt pocket--even if you have to fold the 4 X 6 cards . . . and if by HAPPENSTANCE, you come across them, you can whip them out and place them in their hands. They'll be much more likely to read a short card than a letter--even with all the poisoned mind nonsense from the ex.
That would be DUPLICATES of 2-3 cards that convey most emphatically your caring in contrast to the lies. No need to mention the lies--just give a stark contrast.
Last Edit: Nov 25, 2014 21:25:05 GMT -6 by Deleted
The deal is done. The kids are gone. She filed her ludicrous motions in court. My representative told me her representative apologized for her actions. Glad to see I am not alone in seeing through her crap. Doesn't make it any better though. But it does make me feel better knowing that certain people know her now and know she is a crazy ass lunatic willing to do anything to get revenge. Just so sad. And she wonders why I wanted to leave to begin with. PFFFT !!!
