Senona she has already been acting that way for months! She schedules time for him to spend with the kids- goes on a tirade and tells him no- then tells the kids that he just doesn't love them enough to make time for them. It's pretty much a weekly occurrence.
The index cards are an excellent idea. At least one day they will know the truth!
Don't let the divorce go through without specified visitation written into the decree - then hold her to that. That leaves a paper trail that dad cares enough to fight to see them.
One of the unfortunate circumstances here is that she gets to "educate" them first, and people usually believe what they hear first until evidence otherwise overwhelms them.
Senona she has already been acting that way for months! She schedules time for him to spend with the kids- goes on a tirade and tells him no- then tells the kids that he just doesn't love them enough to make time for them. It's pretty much a weekly occurrence.
The index cards are an excellent idea. At least one day they will know the truth!
Don't let the divorce go through without specified visitation written into the decree - then hold her to that. That leaves a paper trail that dad cares enough to fight to see them.
One of the unfortunate circumstances here is that she gets to "educate" them first, and people usually believe what they hear first until evidence otherwise overwhelms them.
I STRONGLY AGREE.
And, initially, I don't think it's absolutely crucial that the kids want to spend time with you. At some point that would be an important issue.
But first, you deserve a chance 8-12 times--to try and SHOW THEM, DEMONSTRATE PERSISTENTLY YOUR CARING FOR THEM; INTEREST IN THEM AS PERSONS ETC.
And any sane modern judge would INSIST on fitting visitation. I'd also make certain that the judge knew the games she'd already played to turn the kids against you.
You might be assigned a social worker or some such to monitor visitation . . . it's best to be on that person's good side if at all possible.
KEEP A LOG OF ALL EVENTS AND COMMUNICATIONS RELATED TO VISITATION. DATE AND SIGN EACH ENTRY. IF THERE WERE WITNESSES, ASK THEM TO MAKE FITTING LOG ENTRIES CONFIRMING YOUR OBSERVATIONS.
MAKE EITHER 2 LOGS OR TWO TYPES OF ENTRIES--IF ONE LOG--THEN MAKE ONE TYPE OF ENTRY ON ONE PAGE--SAY THE LEFT PAGE AND THE OTHER TYPE OF ENTRY ON THE RIGHT PAGE.
ONE TYPE IS STRICTLY OBSERVATIONS OF OBSERVABLE BEHAVIOR!!!! NO EVALUATIVE COMMENTS. KEEP THE FEELINGS OUT OF IT. STRICTLY THIS PERSON DID THAT in that situation with their left hand. Their right hand then . . . They shut the door with what subjectively seemed like a noise that was 50% louder than average. Their body language was consistent with angry hostile movements. Their voice tones were tense and consistent with what most folks consider sarcasm. {etc. etc.}
On the other page . . . I felt really angry when my ex wife . . . I felt furious that she'd told my son that I didn't love him enough to spend time with him. I felt helpless because . . .
Go ahead and express your emotions but also tie them to concrete observable and measurable events.
I pray you and your kids come out on top as soon as workable.
cheers.
Last Edit: Nov 24, 2014 19:07:39 GMT -6 by Deleted
One of the unfortunate circumstances here is that she gets to "educate" them first, and people usually believe what they hear first until evidence otherwise overwhelms them.
'Educate' = Brainwash
Each birthday and Christmas I would write each one a letter of how I miss them and wonder how they are doing, is Mom treating you good
Then I would seal it up, stick it in a shoe box and save until the time to reveal them came
That along with AiRens card idea would prove to them that despite what Mom told them, you never gave up on them nor did you ever stop loving/caring for them --ever!!!!
Let them know that your kids have always been and always will be in your thoughts, no matter how many miles separate you and no matter how much Mom tries to put a wedge between you guys
They will be gone in 6 days. 700 miles away. Got an email today she has filed all these stupid motions because I was 1 day and 6 hours late on my child support. There is nothing written about time or day. I let visitation go at mediation because I thought we could work through it, then BAM, not happening. So more lawyer fees. If I could really let my feelings fly, I would be banned . LOL!
They will be gone in 6 days. 700 miles away. Got an email today she has filed all these stupid motions because I was 1 day and 6 hours late on my child support. There is nothing written about time or day. I let visitation go at mediation because I thought we could work through it, then BAM, not happening. So more lawyer fees. If I could really let my feelings fly, I would be banned . LOL!
AM VERY GRIEVED TO READ OF YOUR SITUATION.
However, mental health professionals see this sort of thing far, far, FAR toooo commonly.
I have known poor parents to go back to the judge personally without a lawyer--though it's best with a lawyer. But I think you have every right to present the facts as you've experienced them. In some States, the offended spouse CANNOT take the kids and move out of the area or out of the State. It's forbidden. You might check on your State.
The woman sounds like a bit or a lot of a control freak or just a freaking out mother or something rather dysfunctional.
NEVERTHELESS, YOU MUST COME ACROSS TO THE SYSTEM AS THE SANER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE CALMER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE MORE IN CONTROL OF THEIR EMOTIONS, THEIR COMMUNICATIONS; THEIR BEHAVIORS AND THEIR LIFE.
They will be gone in 6 days. 700 miles away. Got an email today she has filed all these stupid motions because I was 1 day and 6 hours late on my child support. There is nothing written about time or day. I let visitation go at mediation because I thought we could work through it, then BAM, not happening. So more lawyer fees. If I could really let my feelings fly, I would be banned . LOL!
Distance - complicated visitation. You'll probably have to travel. If your local court can establish jurisdiction over the matter, you may be able to force HER to travel for the visitation hearing(s)., but you'll have to travel for the visitation... except if you can wrangle extended visitation, like over the summers when school is out. Even then, you'll probably have to travel to pick them up. There are other complications I can't say how to work out - interstate enforcement is one of them. That's likely the main - or even the sole - reason she's moving.
The burden of proof is upon the accuser - if there is nothing about day or time, she can't support an accusation of "late". That's just legal harassment, intended to force you to keep your head down. Don't fall for it. If she's moving, move for a continuance in the matter of the stupid motions she has filed. Local courts are sure to have jurisdiction in them, which will force her to travel back there for the hearings, or risk a Failure To Appear bench warrant.
I don't know how the custody arrangements are - if she has full custody anywhere in writing, you may be screwed. that's for a lawyer to hash out.
NEVER let your feelings fly. That will only be used against you. That's really why we have lawyers - to present a dispasionate front. They don't do all the legwork alone - you have to work with them building the case. They only present it in court in a manner that keeps you from appearing to have gone over the emotional edge.
The woman sounds like a bit or a lot of a control freak or just a freaking out mother or something rather dysfunctional.
NEVERTHELESS, YOU MUST COME ACROSS TO THE SYSTEM AS THE SANER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE CALMER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE MORE IN CONTROL OF THEIR EMOTIONS, THEIR COMMUNICATIONS; THEIR BEHAVIORS AND THEIR LIFE.
My lawyer, her lawyer, the prosecutor, the judge are all aware of her craziness because of her drama. They kind of laugh about her and know she is a scorned crazy psycho .
But because my kids told me to let them move in person, I agreed. And she is a total control freak still trying to control me. Just let me go, move on. For the sake of the kids , my god !
So, I am not worried about the motions filed, if in fact they were. She had to take a FMLA leave from work because she was so traumatized . She has known for a year or more that we were going to be divorced. Here condition was that I was not to date anyone one for a year or two. Then she keeps telling me she will not divorce me. It just goes on and on and on .........................
NEVERTHELESS, YOU MUST COME ACROSS TO THE SYSTEM AS THE SANER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE CALMER OF THE TWO . . . AND THE MORE IN CONTROL OF THEIR EMOTIONS, THEIR COMMUNICATIONS; THEIR BEHAVIORS AND THEIR LIFE.
LET HER BE AND APPEAR THE CRAZY PERSON. NOT YOU.
You cannot win if you join her at her level.
That cannot be said loud enough.
I've had it work during police involvement all the way up to inside the courtroom. "The Law" isn't stupid. They can see whose cheese has slid off their cracker, and act accordingly.
Make sure it's the opposition who lets that be known about themselves. it helps if you can stay calm while at the same time pissing them off, but that's a pretty fine art, and prone to backfire.
Besides, irritated people are more likely to make stupid mistakes in general, because they can no longer think straight. Let that be "them" rather than "you".
They will be gone in 6 days. 700 miles away. Got an email today she has filed all these stupid motions because I was 1 day and 6 hours late on my child support. There is nothing written about time or day. I let visitation go at mediation because I thought we could work through it, then BAM, not happening. So more lawyer fees. If I could really let my feelings fly, I would be banned . LOL!
Distance - complicated visitation. You'll probably have to travel. If your local court can establish jurisdiction over the matter, you may be able to force HER to travel for the visitation hearing(s)., but you'll have to travel for the visitation... except if you can wrangle extended visitation, like over the summers when school is out. Even then, you'll probably have to travel to pick them up. There are other complications I can't say how to work out - interstate enforcement is one of them. That's likely the main - or even the sole - reason she's moving.
The burden of proof is upon the accuser - if there is nothing about day or time, she can't support an accusation of "late". That's just legal harassment, intended to force you to keep your head down. Don't fall for it. If she's moving, move for a continuance in the matter of the stupid motions she has filed. Local courts are sure to have jurisdiction in them, which will force her to travel back there for the hearings, or risk a Failure To Appear bench warrant.
I don't know how the custody arrangements are - if she has full custody anywhere in writing, you may be screwed. that's for a lawyer to hash out.
NEVER let your feelings fly. That will only be used against you. That's really why we have lawyers - to present a dispassionate front. They don't do all the legwork alone - you have to work with them building the case. They only present it in court in a manner that keeps you from appearing to have gone over the emotional edge.
EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! INDEED!
Excellent input. Thanks.
There MUST be ways to more or less force her to deal with the courts on your turf. Your atnys should have appraised you of that already and moved to make it happen already.
IF you haven't been keeping a journal of every communication and action in this situation--BEGIN YESTERDAY TO DO SO! LOL. KEEP IT RELIGIOUSLY, FAITHFULLY, DOGGEDLY.
Even if she has full custody--unless you have been court declared to be a danger to the kids physically or sexually, SHE WOULD HAVE TO ALLOW SOME VISITATION. . . . and not just allow it but cooperate with it.
One strategy I've known of . . . IF the initial efforts toward reasonable negotiations fail--and it sounds like they've failed utterly--then play hard ball. Hold her to the letter of the court rulings but NOT VINDICTIVELY.
Just matter of factly as your just due with YOUR kids.
After a year or 3 of playing hard ball--you MIGHT--offer some flexibility if she's willing to be reasonable in kind, in return.
Deal with the unforgiveness as well--you CANNOT per se, make her pay for her evil deeds and attitudes. It's impossible as well as not your place.
More importantly, taking the high road and being forgiving is admirable to all watching--INCLUDING, MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOUR KIDS.
FORGIVENESS DOES *NOT* MEAN SAYING HER EVIL DEEDS AND ATTITUDES ARE OK. NOPE! And, it is NOT saying she should not be held accountable. NOPE.
FORGIVENESS just cuts the ball and chain between you and her so that her ugliness doesn't constantly slap you upside the head and shoulders. And, imho, it frees her to experience GOD'S discipline directly. He tends to keep his hands off as long as we are unforgiving.
FORGIVENESS takes you out of the role of judge and jury and executioner of her for her ugliness.
YOU NEED to be out of that role for your own health--mental and physical. And FOR YOUR KIDS WATCHING CLOSELY.
When the dust settles in however many years, you want as clean a record before your kids, as possible.
I'd certainly have a tough conversation with your atny and explore all the fitting and honorable options at this point. . . . particularly requiring her to deal with the court locally in all future events.
My lawyer, her lawyer, the prosecutor, the judge are all aware of her craziness because of her drama. They kind of laugh about her and know she is a scorned crazy psycho .
But because my kids told me to let them move in person, I agreed. And she is a total control freak still trying to control me. Just let me go, move on. For the sake of the kids , my god !
So, I am not worried about the motions filed, if in fact they were. She had to take a FMLA leave from work because she was so traumatized . She has known for a year or more that we were going to be divorced. Here condition was that I was not to date anyone one for a year or two. Then she keeps telling me she will not divorce me. It just goes on and on and on .........................
Just gets betterer and betterer, doesn't it?
The FMLA leave move was likely just a tactic to support her contentions "see judge? it was so bad I lost my rocker!" Judges can see through that sort of thing, and know what it is.
Find out if the motions really were filed - that is a GIFT, a weapon for YOU to use if they were.
I know where those "conditions" come from - been there, done that, checked it off. That just means your new love has caught a winner, and the ex suddenly realized how screwed she is. That's all. She can't hold you to any "conditions" unless you contractually agreed to them, in writing. it's not unusual for people to realize how badly they've screwed up after it's too late to fix it - and then they plead for time, hoping to "fix" the hopelessly broken. My first wife did the "you can't date anyone for two years" speech. I told her that even my momma don't tell me who or when to date.
That caused her to lose the plot altogether, which led to... wait for it, you know it's coming... "I won't give you a divorce then at all!"
Pfft. This ain't 1850. I didn't have to ask her "pretty please", I just divorced her when the state-mandated time was up (1 year in that state). Didn't need her permission for it. By the time I divorced her, I was already re-established.
The parties shall encourage and foster in their children sincere respect and affection for both parents and shall not hamper the natural development of the childrens love and respect for the other parent.
Per settlement agreement approved by the court.
I have mountains of evidence via text and emails confirming she has failed in this respect.
The parties shall encourage and foster in their children sincere respect and affection for both parents and shall not hamper the natural development of the childrens love and respect for the other parent.
Per settlement agreement approved by the court.
I have mountains of evidence via text and emails confirming she has failed in this respect.
Your atny should know the fitting time to remind the court of that horrid evidence to help neutralize her irrational unreasonable !DEMANDS! on you whether passive/aggressive or overt DEMANDS.
Given what you've said about the mom, I suspect the kids will have more than their fill of her before they are 15 years old or younger.