Post by littled16 on Jul 12, 2015 7:58:23 GMT -6
Finally a day off. The remainders of a rain storm dripping and puddling. Tired and aching in muscle, bones and spirit.
No satisfaction to be found. Working my body into an early grave for very little money or appreciation. Living paycheck to paycheck just for someone else to live in the lap of luxury for my efforts. It isn’t fair, but I guess no one ever promised that life would be fair.
My mind and body feel as if someone has taken a baseball bat and beaten me half to death with it. Moments of pure joy which were once plentiful are now few and far between. I feel myself sinking into an unexplainable sadness, praying that it is only a temporary condition. In a strange way it is almost like welcoming an old friend, come home to visit after an extended journey abroad. I don’t feel the strength to evict my guest so will settle down into a comfortable position and prepare to listen to her tales of travel patiently.
Clouds of dark, wispy smoke swirl in my mind replacing the sunlight that has been residing there for many, many months. Odd thoughts whisper in my ears and I allow them, my brain no longer possessing the strength to shut them out. Resistance is futile- I have lost the will to fight. I have tried so hard to remain strong for far too long. I don’t want to be strong any more.
If only the tears would come and allow some of this self pity an avenue of escape! But they refuse. Being too strong for too long has taken the ability away from me. How can one be so weak and so strong at the same time? Have I programmed myself to wear a mask of strength for so long that I can no longer remove it? I want to remove it but the skill to do so eludes me.
I make the decision to ride the waves of darkness and see where they will take me as it seems better than doing nothing at all. I will take this journey and hope that when it reaches it’s end there is peace and light. At least I haven’t sunk beyond the point of realizing that as long as there is love there is hope- and the one thing not lacking is plenty of love. I will try to focus on that as I travel the long and dark tunnel for it is the glimmer of light that exists somewhere at the end…
No satisfaction to be found. Working my body into an early grave for very little money or appreciation. Living paycheck to paycheck just for someone else to live in the lap of luxury for my efforts. It isn’t fair, but I guess no one ever promised that life would be fair.
My mind and body feel as if someone has taken a baseball bat and beaten me half to death with it. Moments of pure joy which were once plentiful are now few and far between. I feel myself sinking into an unexplainable sadness, praying that it is only a temporary condition. In a strange way it is almost like welcoming an old friend, come home to visit after an extended journey abroad. I don’t feel the strength to evict my guest so will settle down into a comfortable position and prepare to listen to her tales of travel patiently.
Clouds of dark, wispy smoke swirl in my mind replacing the sunlight that has been residing there for many, many months. Odd thoughts whisper in my ears and I allow them, my brain no longer possessing the strength to shut them out. Resistance is futile- I have lost the will to fight. I have tried so hard to remain strong for far too long. I don’t want to be strong any more.
If only the tears would come and allow some of this self pity an avenue of escape! But they refuse. Being too strong for too long has taken the ability away from me. How can one be so weak and so strong at the same time? Have I programmed myself to wear a mask of strength for so long that I can no longer remove it? I want to remove it but the skill to do so eludes me.
I make the decision to ride the waves of darkness and see where they will take me as it seems better than doing nothing at all. I will take this journey and hope that when it reaches it’s end there is peace and light. At least I haven’t sunk beyond the point of realizing that as long as there is love there is hope- and the one thing not lacking is plenty of love. I will try to focus on that as I travel the long and dark tunnel for it is the glimmer of light that exists somewhere at the end…
